He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
