There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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