Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
