Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
