i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Two words: nipple clamps
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