just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
