i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
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You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
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It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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