He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
