why didn't you poke me back
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
