There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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