I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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