just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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