Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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