She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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