I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
