I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
