i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
