I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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