you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
