They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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