remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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