I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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