he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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