i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
