My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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