you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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