Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
