I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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