i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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