My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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