Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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