perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
