everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Liz is crying about burritos again.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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