Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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