my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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