He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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