Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The beer is more important than you right now.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
