i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
pray to the hookup gods
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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