the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
