She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
