you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
