I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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