the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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