My sheets look like a crime scene.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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