whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
