I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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