I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
