I cockslap morals
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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