Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she looked like the before picture.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
