I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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