Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
