someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
