I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
