No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
