and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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