I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize