halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
