I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
smell my finger.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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