his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
