I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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