Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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